


Shakedown 1979

by dollphase



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Character Death, Established Relationship, First War with Voldemort, Fluff and Angst, M/M, POV Sirius Black, Recreational Drug Use, backround jily - Freeform, the highs and lows of being nineteen, they do some fun stuff too tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 22:42:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29973399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dollphase/pseuds/dollphase
Summary: Children being forced to be adults.Or 1979, the year that changed everything.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 5





	Shakedown 1979

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this is something i've been slowly chipping away at for fucking months. i'm so excited to finally get it out in the open and share it. i was going to wait until the weekend to post it 'cause I wasn't planning on updating my muggle au, but I think I want to work on the muggle au over the weekend, so I decided to post this now.
> 
> the title of this fic is from a Smashing Pumpkins song called '1979'. the first line is 'shakedown 1979, cool kids never have the time' so... yeah. it's a good song, very swirly. 
> 
> Let me know what you think! Please leave a kudos and if you're feeling extra charitable, maybe a comment. don't have to, but it would make me happy
> 
> **TW: talk about abortions, minor drug use, death**

31st of December 1978

1978 was an interesting year. Sirius started the year being eighteen, drunk in the Gryffindor Common Room with Remus swaying at his side. In the middle of the year, he was sitting down at a long table with familiar faces, young and old, absorbing every bit of information about the war that Alastor ‘Mad-Eye’ Moody was tattling on about. Sirius had been in the Order for half a year by the time the new year rolled around. It would be the last of a decade and the start of a new era all at the same time.

Sirius spent the last night of 1978 at James and Lily’s place, drinking champagne straight from the bottle and dancing along to whatever the muggle radio was playing at the time. Anybody that had completed Hogwarts in the latter half of the ’70s was there; James, Lily, Peter, Remus, Marlene, Dorcas, Edgar, Gideon and Fabian, Caradoc, and Benjy. Sirius had wanted to invite Dumbledore himself as a joke, but Remus had been quick to shut that down, claiming that nineteen was much too old for childish antics. Just a year ago Remus would have rolled his eyes but laughed nonetheless when Sirius did get up from the table in the dining hall to ask the headmaster out for drinks, but a lot had changed in that one year. Remus was right, they were adults now.

After James cranked out the third bottle of some expensive French champagne, Sirius found himself talking to everyone and anyone who’d listen to him ramble about how amazing this year was going to be. 

“1979”, Sirius cheerfully exclaimed to Caradoc, who was a good two years older and had just finished telling Sirius a tale of his woeful love life. He’d fallen for a girl who later revealed that she didn’t want any children, which was a deal-breaker for Caradoc who dreamed nothing more than to raise a pack of his own. “It’s going to be our year, Dearborn! You’re gonna find a nice bird and have some gremlins of your own and we’re gonna win this fucking war!” Sirius said. Caradoc just shot Sirius an amused look and took away the bottle Sirius was drinking.

“I think I’m going to need to drink whatever you are”, he said before taking a deep swig out of the bottle. He winced and wiped his lips after pulling the bottle down. “Christ this shite is nasty”.

“It’s French”, Sirius said, like it meant anything.

Caradoc just laughed. “You’re French”.

Sirius grinned. “Yes, I am”. _Toujours Pur_

A few drinks later and maybe even a few hours later, Sirius stumbled out into the backyard, hoping to get some fresh air. James and Lily had been practical when picking out a home. The house itself was small in size but had a large property, meaning it would be the perfect place to have outdoorsy parties or practice spells away from muggle veiw. There were hardly any homes nearby, and a good concealment charm meant that nobody could see into the spacious backyard. The home was a good investment, Sirius would give them that. 

Sirius stepped out into the grassy backyard and was met with the sight of Remus and Edgar leaned against the wall of the house, both smoking and enthralled in a conversation. The air was pungent and thick, letting Sirius know that cigarettes weren’t the only thing smoked outside. Edgar tugged at his brunette hair with his cigarette perched in between his teeth. Remus pulled at his own cigarette and nodded his head along sympathetically. Whatever they were talking about, it did not seem pleasant.

Sirius wadded his way over to the two and caught the tail end of their conversation.

“I’m sure everything will work itself out, Edgar”, Remus soothed.

“I just don’t know what to do”, Edgar said, his voice dripping with worry. “She’s pregnant and I don’t know what to do about it”.

“Who’s pregnant?” Sirius asked dumbly and both men jumped in shock. Remus collected himself first and shot Sirius a _‘what the fuck?’_ look.

“My girlfriend”, Edgar said. He sighed and rubbed his temples. “She’s fucking pregnant and I don’t know what to do! We make pennies working at the ministry and we live in a dingy flat, nevermind the fact that there’s a war going on!” He took a deep, pained breath. “I know plenty of people are rushing to have kids because of the war, but I don’t want to have kids _because_ of the war. Raising a kid now is the last thing I need, and I wouldn’t want to bring a kid into this shitty war-ridden world. _And_ if that’s not bad enough, my mother will kill me if she finds out I’ve gotten a woman pregnant without marrying her first!”

Edgar began to tug at his hair again and kicked the dirt beneath him. He was three whole years older than Sirius, class of ‘75, but right now he was acting three years younger. Sirius didn’t blame him, he’d react the same way if he found out he was having a kid. 

Remus gave Edgar a sympathetic look before fishing out his pack of cigarettes and handing another one to Edgar. Edgar took it gratefully and lit it with the end of his wand.

“Thanks for the fag, Lupin”, Edgar said through a could of smoke.

Remus gave him a small smile. “Anytime”, he paused for a second, and even in his drunken state, Sirius could tell Remus was thinking of something grand. His eyes got all sunken in and his bushy eyebrows furrowed, just like when he’d be planning a brilliant prank back at Hogwarts that would have the school talking for months. “Have you heard of…”, he trailed off, looking around him.

Edgar raised his eyebrows in interest. “Heard of what?” he asked.

Remus lit another cigarette for himself and offered the pack to Sirius. “Have you heard of the new spells…”, he dropped his voice when Edgar just gave him a confused look. “You know how there are spells to prevent pregnancy?” 

Edgar nodded and scoffed. “You mean the one I forgot?”

Remus ignored his comment. “Well, there are spells to… er… terminate pregnancies”.

Sirius looked at Remus blankly. What did Remus John Lupin know about terminating pregnancies? And was there really a spell that did that?

Edgar had a similar expression of shock-- or was it horror? Maybe both.

“Are you suggesting I tell my girlfriend to kill her baby?” he balked.

Remus shrugged. “I’m not really telling you to do anything. I’m just informing you of any possible options. You’re twenty-two, unmarried, and a part of a secret organization that could have you, your girlfriend, your unborn child, and the rest of your entire family killed for being in. You weigh out your options''.

Edgar’s face lit up with a flash of anger and for a second Sirius thought he was going to punch Remus. Sirius nearly threw himself in between the two to diffuse any future fight that may happen. It wouldn’t be the first time Sirius had to either break up a fight that Remus accidentally caused with his big, drunken mouth. Nobody expected reserved, level-headed Remus to be so blunt when he was inebriated, but he was as straightforward as an arrow.

Before Sirius moved to protect Remus from having his face beat in, Edgar clapped Remus’s shoulder and began to laugh, much to Sirius’s surprise.

“You’ve always been a smart one, haven’t you?” Edgar said humorously. 

Remus grinned a bit. “Smart one, smartarse, they’re interchangeable really”.

Edgar asked a few more questions about the termination spell, which Remus suspiciously knew a lot about, before finishing his cigarette and heading back in, leaving Sirius and Remus all alone in the great wilderness that was James and Lily’s backyard.

“I can’t believe he forgot the contraceptive charm”, Sirius commented. 

Remus stirred beside him. “I mean… I don’t know. Poor bloke. I feel bad for him, I’d be scared out of my mind to be a father”.

Sirius didn’t say anything. He was already aware that Remus didn’t want any children. Sirius didn’t want any either, so that made it an easy decision. Plus, the two of them didn’t even have the capabilities to have a child.

“So Edgar’s gonna be a dad”, Sirius said. He suddenly felt sober as the wind blew gently in the English night. Sirius leaned against the house and kicked one of his legs against the wall, trying to imitate a picture of Sid Vicious he saw from a magazine in a muggle news-stand he saw the other day. Sirius threw his head back and looked at the sky, trying to find his constellation. He spotted it after a few seconds and tried to focus on it, observing the way each star shone. He then tried to find Regulus (the constellation, not his brother. He wasn’t that daft to look for his brother in the night sky). When he found it he laughed. It was ironic that Regulus was the lion star and yet Sirius (the person) was the Gryffindor. If only Regulus was a bit braver and a bit less ambitious. _Where the brave lie at heart._

“Maybe”, Remus said after what felt like an eternity.

“Huh?” Sirius said, snapping out of his stargazing daze.

“He might not be a father… not if he uses the abortion charm”, Remus explained slowly.

“How did you know so much about the spell, Remus?” Sirius asked. As far as Sirius knew, Remus would not have been in a predicament to cast such a charm in the last one and a half years as Sirius and him were in a very monogamous relationship. 

“I just know”, Remus replied shortly, his eyes looking anywhere but at Sirius’s. His lip quivered and his fingers tapped against the bricks of the house. He was lying.

“Liar”, Sirius said. He turned to look at his boyfriend, even if Remus wouldn’t look back. “Just tell me”, Sirius whined.

Remus’s eyes trailed over and he peered at Sirius through the corner of his eye. “Sixth-year. I was going out with Ruth Anderson and she … er… made some shocking discoveries”, Remus said, still giving Sirius that side-eyed look that was daring him to say something. “It was kind of bad. We did some research on termination spells for about a week before she got her period again. It was the best day of my life.” 

Sirius mulled over this new bit of information. Quite honestly, he found it hilarious. He felt bad for Ruth, but he found it hilarious on Remus’s behalf. Remus looked to be such the quiet, kind, and studious type, so it was always a kick to see or hear of him doing something so un-swotty. If anything, Sirius was a bit shocked to hear that Remus had slept with Ruth Anderson. He remembered seeing Remus hold her hand a few times back when they were sixteen and he thinks they went on a Hogsmeade’s date together, but they were never serious if Sirius remembers correctly.

“Merlin, Moony. I didn’t know you and Ruth Anderson were so… close”, Sirius said with a smirk and eyebrow-wiggle.

Remus groaned and rolled his eyes. “You’re so fucking immature”. Remus took another drag of his cigarette before stomping it out. “And fucking stupid. When we first got together in seventh-year, neither of us were virgins. Who exactly did you think I fucked?”

Sirius shrugged. “Your left hand?”

Remus groaned again and rubbed his temples. “I’m heading back inside”.

“I thought it was that muggle girl you used to hang around”, Sirius said. He remembered sometime when Remus was fifteen or sixteen writing long, slightly stoned-sounding, letters talking about some girl he met in what Sirius and James would teasingly call ‘the village’. She was a farm girl, which Sirius thought was hilarious since Remus at school was so prim and proper (except for his accent and extensive and vulgar vocabulary).

Remus paused and seemed to consider it. “Right, well her too but-”

“Merlin, Moony! You’re a fucking whore!” Sirius exclaimed. He was joking, of course. Remus knew that. Everyone knew that Sirius had an… extensive list of experience to put it lightly.

Remus laughed and shoved Sirius. “You can fuck right off with that! Like you didn’t sneak in and out of the dormitory every other night to go shag a girl.”

“All of that just to find I’m a raging queer!” Sirius said. He had taken to shagging blokes in sixth-year and had never looked back.

Remus laughed loudly with his mouth open and his eyes squinting up. It made Sirius smile. It was nice to see Remus laugh genuinely, not just to fill in awkward silences or to defuse tension. It was nice to see Remus be happy. 

“Right well, it’s the principle of it. If you were straight, I’m sure you’d be getting girls left and right, Sirius”, he raised his hand up when Sirius opened his mouth to protest. “If it makes you feel any better, you’re the only bloke I’ve been with”, Remus offered.

Sirius scoffed. “Pft, please. I already knew that”, he teased. He wouldn’t admit it, but it did make him feel better. He liked knowing that a part of Remus solely belonged to him.

Remus rolled his eyes again for what felt like the thousandth time that night. “Right, well not that we’ve gotten _that_ settled, let’s head back inside. I think it’s nearly midnight, and personally I’d like to collect my new year’s kisses”.

“Of course you do, you slag”, Sirius laughed as Remus grabbed his arm and dragged him into the house. “Wait, am I allowed to tell Prongs and Wormy that you’ve gotten a bird pregnant?”

Remus turned around and dropped Sirius’s arm. “First of all, I didn’t. Second of all, fuck no”, he said before shutting the door behind them. “They’ll never let me live it down”.

Sirius remembered dragging Remus up to the rest of the party and he remembers hearing ABBA play on the muggle radio. Even though he fucking hates ABBA and has sworn alligence to Punk Rock, Sirius still grabbed Marlene McKinnion and twirled her around like a ballerina and tried to dip her (hence ‘tired’, she fell on the wooden floor). After he dropped Marlene horribly, he tried chatting up Lily to give him a dance. Lily begrudgingly took his hand and after a few songs seemed to be enjoying herself. She even dipped him a few times and Sirius didn’t even fall.

**January 1979**

Soon, 1978 bled into 1979 and the entire house erupted in cheers. Sirius went around the room and gave everyone in the room a cheerful peck on the lips. He gave James a little extra treatment, a little hand in the hair and some tongue with James’s hand on his hip, nothing they hadn’t performed before in the Gryffindor Common Room. They kissed for a few seconds as the room around them erupted in wolf-whistles and clapping (with Lily and Remus catcalling the two). After releasing James from the kiss, Sirius turned on his feet and practically threw himself onto Remus and gave him his new year’s kiss. They stumbled back against the sofa and they both tumbled around while the rest of the party-goers yelled at them. 

“Gross!”

“I thought Lupin was the good one!”

“Get a room!”

“Do NOT shag on my couch”.

Sirius felt a firm hand grip the back of his shirt and before he knew it he was being thrown off the sofa. He turned around and grinned sheepishly.

“Evening, Prongs”, he said to James.

James shook his head but smiled. “Happy new year”, James laughed. 

Ten minutes later Sirius was handed another drink of something by someone and shortly after that he found himself dancing to _another_ ABBA song on James and Lily’s dining room table. A song in he saw Remus talking to Dorcas, nursing what looked to be a glass of fire whiskey, and he hopped of the table to run up to him.

“Remus!”

Remus turned slowly and raised and eyebrow. “What’s up, party animal?”

Sirius rolled his eyes and grabbed onto Remus’s arm. “C’mon. We’re dancing!”.

Remus gave Dorcas an apologetic look and downed the rest of his drink. He allowed Sirius to pull him onto the table and Sirius wrapped an arm around Remus’s waist. 

“Let’s dance”.

The last thing Sirius remembers of that night was slow dancing to ‘Love Hurts’, still on the table and his head resting against Remus’s chest. He swayed along to the rhythm of the song and wondered briefly what time it was.

“Remus?” He started.

“Hmm?”

“What’s your new year’s resolution?”

Remus stayed quiet for a while, still allowing himself to sway along Sirius. “I guess… I don’t know. Maybe… hmm… don’t die?”

Sirius picked his head up from Remus’s chest. “Don’t say that, Moony! Nobody’s going to die!”, he exclaimed, very alarmed. A few heads in the room turned to look at them, but Sirius was too drunk and too tired to notice them.

Remus ignored him. “What’s _your_ resolution, Sirius?”

Sirius bursted out in a manic smile. “I’m gonna get a bike and enchant the fuck out of it”. 

Remus clicked his tongue. “I need another drink”. He hopped off the table and Sirius swayed alone to the rest of the song. 

They woke up at eight in the morning, just in time to roll into the nine am Order meeting. Everybody had crashed at the house, Marlene and Dorcas took the guest room, James and Lily were in their room, and the rest of the poor unfortunate souls were left to fend for themselves. Sirius found himself lying on the table he had previously danced away on the night befere. 

Remus was already up by the time Sirius un-sprawled from the dining table and was cooking up something that smelt good. He gave Sirius a smug look and offered him a plate of food.

“Morning, dancing king”, he said.

Sirius groaned but took the plate thankfully. “Ugh, you don’t even want to know how sore I am right now”.

Remus laughed. “I think I can imagine”.

Soon others started stirring, entering the kitchen, taking a plate of food, and thanking Remus gratefully. Sirius found out from Edgar that they had all passed out around five am, meaning they each got approximately three hours of sleep. That seemed like a reasonable amount of sleep, right?

Thanks to copious amounts of coffee and a nice greasy breakfast, Sirius was able to keep himself awake during the two-hour Order meeting and keep himself from puking his guts out. The second the meeting was dismissed, Sirius apparated to his and Remus’s flat and made a beeline to the bathroom. He didn’t even wait for Remus to return and didn’t question when Remus didn’t return until an hour later after the meeting was initially dismissed, looking paler and more shook up than usual. They spend the rest of the day flipping through the telly and joking about the previous night’s events. Sirius laughed a lot that day, even though it caused the pounding in his head to intensify. He teased Remus about Ruth Anderson and fought him over the blanket they were sharing. The first day of 1979 was a good one. Unfortunately, good days like the first of January were to become far and few between.

**February 1979**

The third of February was a very important day for Sirius Black. First, there was the bad news.

Sid Vicious was dead. They found him dead in New York city of a heroin overdose the previous day. Sirius read all about in the paper in his lonely flat. Sirius felt oddly sad while reading and he didn’t know why; bloke killed his girlfriend for Merlin’s sake. But something about Sid Vicious had always allured Sirius. The way he did whatever he wanted, always making the papers for something vile he did, and the way he revolted the older muggle folks, intrigued Sirius. In a way, Sirius Black was a bit like Sid Vicious, although he’d like to think of himself a bit braver and smarter. But they had their similarities. Both were reckless, daring, and quite good at attracting trouble. 

He only put the paper down when Remus came bursting into the flat, beaming ear to ear. Sirius had known Remus for eight years then and had seen Remus smile numerous times, whether it be the shy smile he had during the sorting ceremony in first year, or the dope-induced goofy smile he got while teaching his roommates how to smoke up in fourth-year, or the sad smile he got when they spent their last day at Hogwarts out in the sunny the Black Lake. But Sirius had never seen Remus smile like this.

“Sirius!” He exclaimed the second he came in.

Sirius dropped the newspaper like it was hot. “Yeah, Remus?”

“I got a job, Sirius! I got a job!” He screamed from the top of his lungs. Sirius didn’t have the heart to tell him to quiet down inorder to avoid complaints from neighbors. It was rare to see Remus lose himself in a fit of joy, it was even rarer than when he lost himself in a fit of rage, so Sirius didn’t hush Remus. He just beamed at his boyfriend and he jumped around the flat happily.

“Really? Where?” Sirius asked. Even though Remus had left Hogwarts with top marks and was a prefect for three of his Hogwarts years, he still had a hard time finding employment that would allow for him to take seemingly sporadic days off in the middle of the month. Most wizards weren’t stupid, they had taken a few Astronomy classes at Hogwarts. They knew what was up.

“Muggle diner”, Remus answered. “I’m so happy that I don’t even care that I’ll be surrounded by muggles all day! I could care less! It’s my first job!”

Sirius smiled at Remus and got off the couch. He strode up to Remus and threw his arms around his neck.

“That’s amazing Remus”, he said, pressing a kiss into his cheek. “I’m so happy for you”.

**March 1979**

As a joint present for both Remus and James’s March birthdays, Sirius took it upon himself to throw a small party in the small flat he shared with Remus. Remus had rolled his eyes in protest, claiming that he didn’t need a party thrown for his nineteenth, but Sirius had been adamant on throwing Remus a party.

“Do we have to? I really don’t like showing up to Order meetings hungover. I feel Mad-Eye’s judgmental gaze from his one eye”, Remus said, feigning annoyance, although Sirius could tell from his slight quirk of lip that he was secretly amused.

“Yes, we have to. I’d be betraying my duties as a boyfriend, best mate, and marauder if I let you sulk through another one of your birthdays”, Sirius replied. “And think of James. Do it for James”.

Remus rolled his eyes but smiled. “Alright, I’ll do it for James”.

The part fell a week after Remus’s birthday and ten days before James’s. The entire youth of the Order was invited and Sirius had jokingly invited Mad-Eye on a dare after a meeting ended. He stared Sirius down with his one eye at the Order table afterwards. Sirius bitterly thought that it was a good thing that Mad-Eye had only one eye, giving that man two eyes to glare with would just be unfair.

“I’m not attending a party filled with teenagers”, Mad-Eye scoffed.

“I’m twenty-two!” Edgar said at the same time Caradoc said; “I’m twenty-one!” at the same time Benjy said; “I’ll be twenty in four months!”

Mad-Eye paid them no attention. 

“C’mon, Mad-Eye, loosen up a little”, Sirius teased. He could hear James (who was the darer) snickering and Lily slap the back of James’s head.

“If I went to your party, I’d probably have to end up arresting every single one of you by mid-night”, he gruffed as James silently laughed himself into hysterics despite the slap he received earlier. “Except Fenwick, maybe”, he added as an approving afterthought.

“What about Lupin?” Sirius asked, just to push Mad-Eye’s buttons and piss Remus off simultaneously. It worked as Mad-Eye quirked an eyebrow and Remus blushed a furious shade of red.

“If he weren’t such a bloody good fighter and had such a sharp mind, I think I might have reported him to muggle athourties for all that ganja”, Mad-Eye grunted, causing everyone under twenty-three to howl with laughter and everyone older to frown with confusion. The only youngster who didn’t seem too pleased was Remus.

Sirius half-expected the blue jet of light that was sent his way, causing him to grow scaly warts all over his face. 

**April 1979**

“Merlin, Malfoy has only gotten uglier since leaving Hogwarts”, James whispered from under the invisibility cloak. In a way, Sirius felt fifteen again, hiding under the cloak with James, watching older Slytherins congregate by the dungeons. They’d wait for hours sometimes, just waiting for one to enter the common room, all in hopes to hear what that month’s password was. Sometimes a wise student (usually a seventh year) would get wise and cast a locating spell, blowing their cover. Most of the time, Sirius and James were smart enough to flee the scene before they would get hexted or worse, but Sirius would be lying if he said he’d never gotten hit with a nasty Slytherin-made hex. Those ones were the worst, they were always so cruel.

But now they were using James’s cloak for much darker matters. They’d been tracking Lucius Malfoy all day, monitoring his every move. Mad-Eye told them to note every single person they thought might be a Death Eater, and following Lucious was sure to lead them to a few. So far they had been able to confirm that Yaxley and Crouch were Death Eaters, although Sirius wasn’t surprised. They were the older kids that Regulus started to hang around in his third-year, Sirius knew all what they were about.

“He really has”, Sirius agreed in a hushed voice. He sneered at Lucius Malfoy, watching him with narrowed eyes as he entered Borgin and Burkes with a black bag. “The long hair is not a good look. He looks absolutely mad”, Sirius commented.

James snorted before forcing them both against the stone alley way as a warty hag strode past them. 

“He looks so pretentious”, James said. “He must be loaded to have gotten Narcissa”.

Sirius rolled his eyes at the mention of his older cousin. “It was probably arranged. And yeah, Malfoy’s loaded. But let me tell you something, no amount of money would be enough to get me to touch him with a ten foot pole”.

James laughed loudly before clasping his mouth, remembering that they were under the cloak. “I won’t argue with that one”, he said after collecting himself. They went quiet as they tried to watch Malfoy’s interactions through the mirror. He seemed to be talking to the man working the store, placing the bag on his desk and gesturing towards it proudly.

“Think Mr.Borgin is a threat?” James asked after watching a few minutes of their bartering.

Sirius shook his head. “Nah, he’s just in it for the money. Doesn’t give a toss about who wins or loses. C’mon, let’s get back to the Order so we can cross his name off the list of suspects”.

**May 1979**

It was the fourth day of May 1979 when Sirius first killed somebody. He was on a mission with Benjy, watching a house that was suspected to be a Death Eater hideout in the forest. They walked the perimeter, careful to duck behind trees and bushes whenever a crunch of a stick or toss of a pebble was heard. They watched as cloaked figure after cloaked figure walked towards the alleged hideout and vanished after a certain point.

“Must be hidden, then”, Benjy said. He was a year ahead of Sirius in school, although they were both nineteen. Sirius didn’t hang out with Benjy much back when they attended school together, but he was vaguely aware of his existence. Benjy was a prefect and was friends with Remus because of their shared position, but Sirius himself didn’t talk much to Benjy. After he joined the Order, Sirius found himself enjoying Benjy’s presence. He was a bit bookish but had a warm kindness that attracted everyone in the Order and his bubbly personality provided much needed optimism that Sirius had been lacking so far in his life. He was almost like Remus, but a genuinely nicer and less pessimistic version of him. He was a bit hippy-ish, but Sirius was willing to look past that simply because he liked the bloke so much. Benjy was also brilliant when it came to drawing connections and thinking up on possible solutions to problems. He was logical like that. Lily said that in the muggle world, Benjy would make a great detective, whatever that was.

“No shit”, Sirius said as they watched another hooded figure disappear after stepping into the invisible line. 

“I wonder what kind of charm they’re using. With the sheer amount of Death Eaters entering the field, I’m sure they must have used a strong spell… it probably was casted by multiple wands.” Benjy peered over the hedge they were hiding behind and looked around. “I think that was the last one, usually they meet in groups of seven. I think I’m gonna try and get closer to the line. I wanna to see if I can figure out what kind of charm they used for the barrier and if I can break through it. We won’t be able to raid now, there’s not enough of us, but maybe next time we can get Edgar and Caradoc to come up with us. They’re pretty good duelers.”

Sirius nodded along, even though he quite honestly didn’t think it was a good idea. But Benjy was always so coordinated and wise. In the year Sirius had been working with him, Benjy had never made a wrong shot. If Benjy Fenwick thought something was a bad idea, it probably was. Sirius had asked him about his uncanny ability to know when something was up and Benjy had just shrugged it off. ‘I was always good at Divination’, he’d say.

So Sirius did not voice his concerns as Benjy stood up and dusted off his trousers, stepping into the night and steadily approaching the invisible barrier. Benjy pulled his wand out and waved it around, casting small white sparks out of the stick. Sirius was never one for diagnostic spells, preferring hexes and jinxes with more immediate results. He watched Benjy with interest as the older boy poked a prodded at what appeared to be just the air. Sirius wondered if he himself should try to learn some diagnostic spells, they’d come in handy in future Order missions.

He was too fixated watching Benjy to even notice the hooded figure lurking on the outskirts of the forest draw his wand out and point it at Benjy.

_“Sectumsep-”_

_“Protego”_ , Sirius threw himself out from behind the bush and ran towards where Benjy was standing, frozen like a deer in headlights. He stood in front of Benjy and allowed for the shield charm to block the stunning spell being sent their way, the shield fully forming just in the knick of time. The rebound from the spell sent him tumbling back and he crashed into Benjy, sending both boys to the ground. Benjy was the first to pick himself up, taking out his wand as well. He cast another shield before helping Sirius up.

“Merlin”, he swore.

“Benjy”, Sirius said, his eyes darting all around him. The forest had returned to it’s peaceful silence with only wildlife to be seen.“Where’s the Death Eater? Where’d he go?”

Benjy gave Sirius a sheepish look. “I think….”, he trailed off and pointed to a black blog hunched over by a nearby tree that somewhat resembled a body. “I think he’s over there”.

As soon as Benjy lifted his finger, the black blob slowly stood up straight and Sirius watched in horror as the Death Eater regained his balance, his cloak slipping off to reveal his face. He was young, his face gaunt and long, covered in gruesome cuts from the rebounded curse he threw Sirius’s direction. Sirius vaguely recognized him as one of Snape’s friends from Hogwarts. 

The Death Eater drew his wand out again with shaky hands dripping in blood. Even though his face was covered in red slices and blood smears, Sirius could still recognise the look of pure contempt the Death Eater shot at Benjy and himself. He lifted his wand out in front of him and opened his mouth to speak an incantation, but Sirius was too quick.

_“Stupifey!”_

The Death Eater dropped to the ground like a fly. Sirius watched as he fell back, the Death Eater’s eyes growing wide in horror before stilling. When he hit the ground, he did not get up.

Sirius stood there blankly, just like Benjy had been not too long ago. He desperately waited for the Death Eater to get back up and for him to send another hex Sirius’s direction before the boys would disarm him and take him back into the Order for an interrogation. They’d get new information and go out for celebratory drinks in high spirits. 

But the Death Eater did not get up. Instead, he remained sprawled out on the floor, his body motionless. Sirius cast a nervous glance at Benjy, who returned Sirius’s concern.

“Here, let me…”, Benjy trailed off. He dug his wand out from his pocket and summoned the Death Eater’s wand, catching it with one hand as it flew towards him. “I’m just going to… er… check on him”.

Benjy trudged toward the Death Eater. Once next to the Death Eater, he crouched down and took a good look. His face contorted into a sickly grimace and he went pale. Beny stood up and gave Sirius a worried look, his dark water-overed eyes reflecting the waning moon. 

“He’s dead”, Benjy said simply.

Sirius’s heart stopped beating. The Death Eater… dead? No, he couldn’t be dead. Surly he was just knocked out. Sirius knew killers, yes, he knew them quite well. He grew up with them. But Sirius himself was no killer, he didn’t have it in him to be murderous. That Death Eater was not dead.

“He’s dead?” Sirius asked in a shaky drawl. His throat tensed up and got dry and Sirius wondered if he was going to cry. He gulped and coughed lightly, trying to loosen the constriction. Sirius hated crying. 

Benjy nodded slowly, looking almost as uncomfortable as Sirius felt. “His eyes…”

Sirius ran over. He looked down at the fallen Death Eater and sure enough, he was met with lifeless eyes. There was no faking that. The Death Eater - whatever his name was - was dead and Sirius had been the one to cause it.

“Benjy, I think I’m gonna be sick”, was all Sirius said before he felt a firm hand clasp his shoulder and the world around him swallow him whole. His body swirled up and his feet swayed before landing on solid land. He stumbled around, trying to regain his balance.

When Sirius regained his balance and opened his eyes, he found himself standing in the middle of his flat and Benjy standing right next to him. 

“I think you should get some rest, Sirius”, Benjy said softly, although it was evident he was shaken up as well.

Sirius didn’t need to be told twice. He flopped onto the green couch in the sitting room and watched Benjy pace around the room anxiously.

“I’m sorry, Sirius. I’m so bloody sorry. I should have known. I was being stupid, I shoulda’ve just came back later to do the diagnostic spells”, Benjy apoligized frantically while continuing to pace. His hands were shaking and he was biting the corner of his lips.

Sirius didn’t even know what to say. He certainly didn’t blame Benjy for what happened. Shoot, Sirius didn’t even realize fully what had happened. His head was too busy buzzing about, the word ‘murderer’ flying through and bouncing against his skull. He hadn’t meant to kill the unnamed Death Eater, Sirius just needed him to stop attacking them. Stunning spells didn’t usually kill. Normally it took at least two fired back-to-back to do any real damage, but the Death Eater had already been pretty weak, sliced up and bleeding from his own rebounded spell, by the time the stunning spell hit him. Maybe it was just dumb luck, or rather stupid misfurtonte.

“It’s alright”, Sirius said while rubbing his temples, mostly just to shut Benjy up. “It’s all fine”. It really wasn’t.

Benjy stopped pacing and looked at Sirius. He seemed to take note of Sirius’s foul mood and desire to be left alone. “Alright. Er… I’m gonna go send a Patronus to Dumbledore. Tell him about our findings…” With a crack Benjy vanished from the room without a proper ‘goodbye’. It suited Sirius fine.

He laid on the couch, clawing at his face and replaying the night’s events through his head for hours… maybe it was the entire night… before the morning sun peeked through the windows and he stood up to shut the blinds. He didn’t even think to wonder where the hell Remus was. Not only was Remus’s sporadic disappearances becoming normal, but Sirius was too busy picking a part every last thing he did that night to even think of his partner.

He could have disarmed. He could have casted a shield. He could have sent a body-binding hex. He could have done so many other things that wouldn’t have led to death. 

Sirius got off from the couch once more to grab his leather jacket laying on the bedroom floor. He sunk his hand into the zippered pocket of the jacket and took out a pack of fags, slipping a cigarette out and hastily shoving it inbetween his lips. He took his wand out to lit the fag before staring at it. The last spell to come out of his wand was used to kill. Sirius had _killed_. He shook the thought out of his head and grabbed one of Remus’s muggle lighters and lit the cigarette.

Sirius didn’t leave the flat for two days. He shut himself in, mindlessly watching television, eating whatever he could scounger up, and smoking through his cigarettes and Remus’s hidden stashes. He always lit up with a muggle lighter, keeping his wand under the bed. He couldn’t even look at it. 

Remus returned three days after Sirius killed the Death Eater. He looked pale and peakish, concerningly more so than usual. He had dark bags under his eyes and his hair looked patchy in some places as if somebody had ripped strands of it out straight from his head.

“Hi, Sirius”, he said, dropping his black duffel bag onto the floor. He smiled at his boyfriend with tired, beady eyes.

Sirius looked up at Remus, not knowing exactly what to say. He assumed a simple ‘hello’ might do well to suffice.

“Hiya, Remus”, he said, a bit more dreadful than he had intended to. Remus frowned and walked over to the green couch, taking a seat next to Sirius.

“What’s wrong, Sirius?” he asked.

Sirius shrugged. Did he want to talk about it? Maybe he did. He needed to get it off his chest and move on. It had been three days. But was Remus the right person to tell? Sure, Remus was Sirius’s boyfriend and loved him very much and Sirius knew there was hardly anything he could do to make Remus stop loving him, but Remus was also… gentle. He wore knit jumpers and read books with leather rimmed covers and liked drinking tea with excessive amounts of sugar in it. How would that Remus react to knowing his boyfriend was a killer?

“I was on a mission with Benjy”, Sirius started. He waited for Remus to raise his eyebrows like he always did when he was listening. “And er… one thing led to another and someone ended up dead”.

Remus’s jaw dropped. “Who?” he exclaimed.

“A Death Eater”, Sirius explained quickly. “He sent that curse… you know the one Snape made? That one that cuts you up. He’s used that on us a good few times, the slimy bastard”, he bite. 

Remus nodded and rolled his eyes, probably remembering all the times Snape directed the curse at one of them during their time at Hogwarts. “Yes.”

“Well he sent that our way and I blocked it. It rebounded and cut him up pretty badly. Then he got up and-”, Sirius paused, feeling his throat get tight again. “I stunned him and I guess since he was already so banged up… he kinda just died. I hadn’t meant to.”

Remus didn’t say anything. Sirius watched him as he stared blankly at the floor, his eyes blank and his hands firmly intertwined with each other.

Sirius felt his nerves kicked in again. He didn’t know how he wanted Remus to react, but this certainly wasn’t it. Remus was dead silent. He gave nothing away except maybe uncomfortableness. But then, Sirius took a good look at Remus. He noted the way Remus’s eyes were glossed over like he was deep in thought and the way his foot was tapping ever so lightly against the wooden floor, like he was anxious. Remus didn’t seem angry and he didn’t seem disgusted with Sirius, rather caught up in his own thoughts. After a few moments of silence passed, Sirius decided to ask a new question burning at the tip of his tongue.

“Have you ever… er… killed someone before?” He didn’t know why he asked, he just did.

Remus’s eyes darkened. “Yeah”.

Now this surprised Sirius. Remus Lupin, the quiet, book-loving, mild-mannered, Remus Lupin had _killed_ somebody… _and_ he hadn’t broken down and told Sirius about it, like Sirius was doing now.

“When?” Sirius asked before he could stop himself.

“A month before I turned nineteen. I was on a mission and things just got escalated… I hadn’t meant to either, but I had to. It was him or me”, Remus depanned.

Sirius felt his eyes widen. “What spell was it?”

Remus winced. “It wasn’t a spell. I wasn’t allowed to use magic.” Sirius briefly wondered what kind of mission Dumbledore would send Remus on in which he wouldn’t be allowed to use magic. He quickly pushed the thought out of his head, it didn’t matter. Sirius had been requested to do numerous odd things on missions before, not using magic wouldn’t even make that list.

“Oh”, was all Sirius said. He imagined how else one would kill without magic. He knew muggles had knives and guns and that if you beat somebody to a bloody pulp, they could obviously succumb to their injuries. But all of those sounded so violent, and Remus’s wasn’t a violent person. He was never one to start a fight, even if Sirius really thought he ought to. He could, however, finish one.

“Look, Sirius”, Remus started. His darkened eyes slipped away and he looked at Remus warmly. “I know you and I know you’re beating yourself up over it. I’ve been gone this last week on Order business, so I don’t exactly know how long you’ve been sitting here sulking, but I can smell that it’s been at least a few days”, he said with a slight smile, pinching the bridge of his nose jokingly. Sirius chuckled a bit. “You stink, and I’m not even saying that because of my ultra-sensitive Werewolf sent powers.”

“You shouldn’t be mad at yourself, or disgusted, or disappointed. It’s quite normal to feel that way, but you’ve got to get over it. We’re in a war. I know you’re probably tired of hearing that, but it’s the truth. This is a war and people die in wars.”

“I’m vaguely aware”, Sirius said.

Remus rolled his eyes again and affectionately shoved Sirius with his shoulder. “Shut up, you twat. Let me finnish”.

“Alright, Mr.All-Knowing. Please continue”.

“Look, all I’m fucking saying is that people get killed and people kill in war. It can’t be helped. And if you start to feel bad about it, just think of it like this: how many people do you think that Death Eater has killed and was going to kill in the future? Death Eaters kill people for being born, for their blood status. We kill to stop them from killing. I guess what I’m trying to say is that they kill to kill, we kill to protect, if that makes any sense. So you shouldn’t be upset with yourself.”

Sirius mulled it over, he hadn’t thought of it like that. Maybe Sirius had actually been doing the world a favour by taking that Death Eater out. Surely that Death Eater was a biggoted blood purist who’d killed or harmed many in his time.

“You’re right Moony”, Sirius said. “I can’t be squeamish about this. That Death Eater was a bad person and was doing bad things. The world’s better off without him”.

Remus simply nodded, although he didn’t look too sure about his own logic. “Yeah. It’s war”.

“It is war”.

**June 1979**

“Lupin turn this shit off!”

Remus sent a brief glare to the backseat through the mirror before resuming his eyes on the road. 

“Fuck no. Driver gets to pick the music”, Remus said from the front.

Sirius saw James roll his eyes from beside him. They were taking a trip up to an amusement park down in Kent and the drive had been absolute kaos so far. Peter had claimed the passenger seat, leaving Sirius and James stuck in the back of the car and fighting for leg space. Remus had also decided to put in a new cassette he bought in muggle London, some band called Joy Division, and it was absolutely dreadful. Sirius much preferred the revving bass lines, sporadic crashes of drums, and static guitars of punk rock than whatever Joy Division was. The songs themselves weren’t bad, they were just extremely melancholic and moody, which was exactly what Sirius did _not_ want to feel right now. Between the spiking increase of deaths, the Dark Lord gaining power by the day, and running missions for the Order, Sirius had enough darkness in his life already without Remus’s moody music.

“I’ll fucking drive if it means you put something else in!” James exclaimed.

“You can’t drive, James”.

“Well why couldn’t we just apparate?” James asked.

Remus sighed loudly. “We can’t. It’s too risky, too many muggles”.

They decided to drop it and allowed Remus to finish up the drive to the muggle theme park without any more protests. Sirius found that once he got over the extreme moodiness of the album, it was actually quite nice. He could lose himself in it, the melancholic tunes subduing him as he stared tiredly out the window, watching the trees pass by. 

They arrived at the muggle amusement park half an hour later. James stepped over Sirius to leap out of the car, accidentally stepping on his leg on his way out. 

“Ah, James! You hurt my leg!”

“Freedom!”, James screamed, pumping his fist in the air. “My ears are finally free of all that depression as an excuse for music”.

Remus and Pete got out of the car next, sliding out the front seats. Remus strode up to the front of the car and leaned against it, crossing his arms and tipping on leg up slightly. He raised an eyebrow and clicked his tongue.

“This is the thanks I get for hauling your arses all the way up here”, he said while shaking his head, although the amused glint in his eye revealed that there wasn’t any malice in his words.

“I’m only here because Lily asked me to come”, James quipped and Sirius could have laughed. James and Lily had been together for two years now and James still followed her around like a puppy dog. He’d do anything she said happily. It was rather endearing and rather pathetic.

“Right. Well next time you can get a ride with her”, Remus said as he pulled out his pack of fags. He waved the pack in Sirius’s direction, wordlessly asking if he wanted one to which Sirius shook his head.

“Oh believe me Moony, I tried”, James said, frowning as Remus lit up his cigarette. James had never been a fan of his best mates’s smoking habits. He always gave them disapproving side-eyed looks whenever they’d light up. Sirius mostly tried to avoid smoking around James, just to avoid getting that motherly glance from him. Remus didn’t seem to care, though. He frequently pointed out how hypocritical it was for James to draw the line at smoking, bringing up that James could put away an entire half bottle of Firewhiskey and had no qualms about pulling dumb and dangerous stunts, but smoking was off the table. James would always counter and say something about how smoking was bad for your lungs.

“Well why aren’t you with her then?” Remus asks while blowing out a stream of smoke.

James rolled his eyes. “She told me I wasn’t allowed to go with her. Apparently I’m not allowed in the ‘girl’s cabin’,” he bit, putting air quotes around ‘girl’s cabin’.

“Speaking of which”, Peter started and everyone averted their attention back to their shortest friend. “I think that’s them”. He pointed to a car that looked even more banged up than Lyall Lupin’s borrowed car driving down the street. The car parked and a group of young girls pilled out. 

Sirius identified the girls each by their hair, watching as Lily’s silky straight hair swayed behind her back, Dorcas’s shaggy brown hair fell over her eyes, Emmeline Vance’s curly hair sprung behind a perky ribbon (she was a year younger than everyone and had joined earlier in the month after leaving Hogwarts), and Marlene’s feathery blonde hair whispered in the air. They were all wearing muggle clothing, and Sirius could have laughed at how well each of their outfits matched their personalities. Lily was wearing floral wrap around shirt and denim shorts, Dorcas orange trousers and a button down, Emmeline an emerald baby-doll dress that hiked a few inches above her knees, and Marlene a vibrant blue tube top and flared jeans. Their outfits all varied much more than the boys, who were all adorning similar cut denim jeans and simple-tee shirts, with Sirius wearing his signature leather jacket. To be fair, Remus had tried slipping into a knit jumper before they left, but Sirius had forced him to go without it. It was a hot summer day after all.

“Hello boys”, Marlene cooed. She blew them all kisses before wrapping her arms around Dorcas’s side. Sirius wished he could be as open with his and Remus’s relationship as Dorcas and Marlene was. As long as they didn’t snog, nobody would question the touchyness of the two girls. 

“The older boys got caught up in traffic”, Lily said apologetically. While all of the youngsters in the Order tended to hang out with each other, they were all really three separate friend groups when it came down to it. There were the girls; Lily, Marlene, Dorcas, and Emmeline, who the three older girls had taken in like a younger sister, and there were the Marauders; Sirius, James, Remus, and Peter. And then there were the older boys; Caradoc, Benjy, Edgar, Gideon, and Fabion, all in their early twenties. The three friend groups intertwined often, but when it came down to it, they were separate.

“We can go in while they’re driving, Caradoc knows how to get in. Where do you lot want to go first?” Lily asked while taking James' hand and intertwining it between her’s. James smiled a bit, like he still couldn’t believe that he was with the girl of his dreams.

“Can we visit the big circle?” Peter asked, pointing to a big wheel. Lily and Remus laughed and Sirius could predict what they’d say next.

“Bloody pureblood”, Lily laughed.

They walked towards the amusement park, with Remus leading them up to a doggy looking fence. Sirius watched as muggles all walked towards a stand with signs saying ‘Admissions Here’ and ‘Entrance’ and wondered why they were walking towards the opposite direction. It wasn’t until Remus led them to a particularly low part of the fence that Sirius understood what was going on. 

“We’re jumping?” Sirius asked. Remus and Lily flashes similar mischievous smiles at Sirius. How did anyone think they were the good ones?

Remus hopped the fence first, using his scarred arms to hoist himself up and over. He then helped Lily over, who struggled a bit, before helping the others through. Sirius had to help lift Emmeline up, as she was wearing a dress and didn’t want to accidentally flash anyone, and after she made it over, Sirius jumped the fence as well.

“I take you’ve done this before?” Sirius asked Remus as Lily led the crowd to the big wheel. Sirius couldn’t help but marvel at every ride they passed, thoroughly impressed at just how much muggles could accomplish without any magic.

“I hung out with Lily a lot that summer after fifth-year”, Remus explained and Sirius eternally winced, knowing exactly why Remus had been hanging out with Lily Evans and not Sirius that summer. “After her mum got mad at Lily for racking up the telephone bill so much, she just told Lily to invite me over after Lily swore that we were just friends. I’d floo over a lot to spend the day with her. Lily stole Petunia’s car a few times and she drove the thing down here. We discovered early on that if you snuck in through the back, there was a very slim chance you’d get caught”.

“Isn’t that… I don’t know… illegal?” Sirius asked. 

“What, stealing a car or driving underage and without a license or sneaking into an amusement park?”

“All of them.”

Remus glanced at Sirius and laughed. “All are very illegal in the muggle world.”

“How did anyone ever think you two were the good ones?”

“ I _told_ you all that Lily Evan’s wasn’t a swot, but did you believe me? No.”

Sirius laughed heartily. They found themselves waiting in a line that Sirius assumed was for the big wheel. 

“You have no authority on deciding who was or wasn’t a swot, Remus John ‘I-live-in-knit-jumpers’ Lupin”, Sirius retorted as they moved up in line.

“Oi! I’m not wearing a jumper today, am I?” He protested.

“That’s cause I _forced_ you to take it off!” Sirius exclaimed when a cold hand slapped the back of his head.

Remus quirks an eyebrow suggestively.“I’d let you take my jumper off any-”

“Hey lovebirds, don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we’re next in line and we’ve got a big problem”, Lily interrupted from behind them. Sirius turned, noticing that they were indeed next in line. 

“What’s wrong, Lily?” He asked.

“They carts on the big wheel only carry four passengers and there’s six of us”, Lily said like it was the most obvious thing ever.

“Wait, but I thought there were eight of us?” Remus asked. 

Lily rolled her eyes. “Marlene and Dorcas ran off to get their own cart. They’re on there now”. 

The man working the big wheel cleared his throat, alerting all of them that the next cart was available and that somebody needed to step up. Remus grabbed Sirius’s hand and before he could get a word out, was being dragged into the empty cart.

“Is this your full party?” The man asked.

“Yep”, Remus said quickly, before Sirius could get a word out. A few seconds later, the cart shook heavily and they were being lifted in the air, leaving behind their confused friends on the ground. Sirius laughed thinking about how Emmeline and Peter would be forced to share a cart with Lily and James. They’d have to endure their lovesick eye ogling. Poor them.

“Moony, you are such a bastard for leaving Emmeline and Peter to fend for themselves with Lily and James”, Sirius laughed, feeling exhilarated as they got further into the air. The people milling about the park ground grew small as the wheel reached the very top. The wheel stopped, and Sirius watched as Lily, James, Emmeline, and Peter all crammed into the next open cart.

“You’re gonna think I’m a real bastard for what I’m about to do”, Remus said. He looked around, his head turning back and forth before chewing on his bottom lip. He slid down, crouching on his knees on the dirty floor of the cart. He looked up at Sirius, still chewing his lips and with a mischievous glint in his eye. He put a hand on Sirius’s knee and let it trail up until his hand was placed on Sirius’s thigh.

“Oh?” Sirius asked. 

Remus just chuckled. “If you want…”

“Yeah”, Sirius said. He didn’t even know why Remus had to ask.

Remus grinned boyishly. “Brilliant”, he said before his hands flew to undo Sirius’s jeans. “Cause I’m great at giving head”.

How did anyone ever think Remus was the good one?

Two weeks later on the last day of June, Sirius woke up to Mad-Eye's aggressive voice via patronus at the foot of the bed, calling for an emergency Order meeting and informing them to look their best. Remus had nearly fallen out of the bed in shock before Sirius bursted out in laughter.

“Merlin! I never want to wake up to Made-Eye’s voice ever again”, Remus said as he picked himself up from the floor.

Sirius spent the next hour eating leftovers and picking out an extremely obnoxious outfit that would scream ‘I’m Sirius Motherfucking Black!’ 

He settled for his workout straight-legged jeans, a Sex Pistols shirt, and his leather jacket.

Remus came out of the bathroom shortly after Sirius finished shoving a paper clip in his ear with his hair obnoxiously wavy and covering part of his face. 

“Remus, what the fuck?” Sirius asked, pointing to his hair.

“What?”

“Your hair!”

“It’s popular!”

“You look like a caveman!”

“I look like David Cassedey with slightly shorter hair!”

“You look like a caveman!”

Remus stared at Sirius incredulously. “And you look like an ugly Sid Vicious!”

Sirius gasped. “Take that back”

Remus shook his head. “Nah.”

Sirius leaped forward and tackled Remus to the floor, trying to pin him down. “Take that back!” 

Remus slid out from Sirius’s grasp and kneed him in the shins. “No way!” He exclaimed as Sirius gripped his bruised shin and howled in pain. 

“Well if I’m Sid, you’re Nancy”, Sirius said when he was able to collect himself and stand up.

Remus’s face screwed up into a grimace. “Nah, you wouldn’t stab me, would you?”

“Never, Moony”, Sirius said, smilingly dumbly. “I’d never hurt you like that”.

They apparated to the meeting house shortly afterwards, being the last ones to arrive as usual. Mad-Eye gave them dirty looks and made them stand in line along with all of the other core Order members.

“What’s all this for?” Sirius asked James, who Mad-Eye had placed beside him.

James rolled his eyes in a very James manner and scoffed. “He’s taking a bloody picture”, he groaned.

“Is this James Potter not wanting his photograph taken? Evans really forced your head to deflate.”

“Potter. Lily Potter”, James corrected.

It was Sirius’s turn to roll his eyes. “You two aren’t even engaged-”

Just then the magic camera Mad-Eye enchanted to hold itself in mid-air flashed a bright light and captured a photograph that would one day be the one of the few artifacts two children would have of their fathers’.

**July 1979**

The sun shone brightly on the mid-July morning when it happened. Sirius and Remus were sitting out on the balcony of their flat, sipping at their mugs of coffee and admiring the dull London morning and enjoying the warmth of the sun as it prickled down onto their pale skin.

“Imagine what it’ll be like once this is all over”, Sirius started, staring idly at the morning traffic. He remembered being fifteen, trapped at home and watching the bustling muggles on their way to work from his bedroom window. He could see them, but they couldn’t see him. “And we can wake up every morning, sit out here and watch the busy London mornings without worry about being called into an emergency meeting.”

Remus laughed bitterly, putting an end to Sirius’s dreamy mood.

“Like that'll ever happen”, he drowned. He looked up at the sky and squinted. “Sometimes I think I’m going to die fighting this bloody war”.

Sirius frowned. He hated when Remus got all pessimistic. “What makes you say that? What kind of missions has Dumbledore been sending you on to make you think like that? Are they really that dangerous?”

“Not any more dangerous than yours”, Remus said emotionlessly.

Sirius remembered Remus talking about how he had killed somebody before _without magic._ Sirius highly doubted that Remus was getting the same missions that other Order members their age are getting. All Sirius has done were stake-outs, supply-runs, and an occasional head-on confirmation. So far, there were no more opportunities for Sirius to kill anybody, and he was thankful for it. Remus on the other hand disappeared for days on Order business without explanation. He’d return home with bruised knuckles and bags under his eyes. He didn’t talk about it, though, and Sirius never pressured him to. Sirius of all people knew about things best kept to oneself.

Sirius opened his mouth to respond to Remus in hopes of pulling him out of his moodiness when a spikey rodent patronus came bustling into the house. Sirius quickly identified it as Caradoc’s patronus. The two boys rushed inside to hear it’s message. 

“The Mckinnons. Come quickly”, the porcupine said before vanishing into thin smoke.

Sirius and Remus shared looks of horror before they both apparated with a _pop_.

When Sirius felt the ground beneath his feet again, he was standing at the lawn of Marlene Mckinnon’s family home. He’d been here a few times before with Remus when they were younger, who had always said the ranch-style home reminded him of his childhood home in Wales. But this time the ranch was quiet and still, much different from when they visited at sixteen and the entire house was bustling with Marlene’s many siblings and exhausted parents. Sirius knew something was wrong.

“Should we…”, Remus started, getting cut off when Edgar Bones and Benjy Fenwick appeared from beside them, wearing the same horrified faces that Sirius and Remus had minutes prior.

“Do you know what happened?” Edgar asked frantically to the three other boys. He fidgeted around with a silver band on his left hand that looked suspiciously like a wedding ring. Sirius would make sure to ask him about it at a later time. 

Sirius and Remus shook their heads. “No, we got a patronus from Caradoc just a few minutes ago”, Sirius explained.

Benjy nodded his head in agreeance. “Me too. It sounds bad though”, he said nervously.

Just then, Caradoc came running out the front door of the ranch. He was pale as a ghost and for once the comical grin he always bore was whipped clean off his face. He ran towards the four boys and shook his head.

“Gone”, he said while panting. “They’re all…”

He didn’t finnish his sentence and he didn’t need to. Sirius knew what had happened.

**August 1979**

Dorcas Meadows was a shell of a person after Marlene McKinnon’s untimely death. Sirius watched in horror as she simply existed, showing up to Order meetings, nodding her head at the right times, and volunteering for the most dangerous and death-defying missions being offered to the youngsters. She didn’t ‘hang out’ anymore, and she certainly didn’t laugh anymore either. She just existed.

Mad-Eye had come to the conclusion that the Mckinnons were killed for information.

“Those bodies weren’t pretty looking, no they weren’t”, he said during the first meeting back two weeks after her death. “Got her whole stinkin’ family. All of them were bloody and mangled, which makes me believe torture was involved”. Dorcas excused herself after that. Nobody stopped her as Mad-Eye continued on with his speech.

“The McKinnons were good people… yes… they were. The entire family that was of age helped us in some way or another. It’s a shame the young ones had to get caught up in all of this.'' Sirius’s stomach lurched at the thought of Marlene’s younger siblings dead in their homes, tortured for information that they didn’t know. The youngest was just thirteen.

“Marlene was a good girl. Always a team player. It’s a shame that she had to leave us, but that girl died fighting to the very last minute and that’s what counts”, he finished. Sirius wondered if was even trying to cheer them up.

They headed over to Lily and James’s the night after her funeral to mourn Marlene McKinnon and commemorate her family by getting wasted and high. James and Lily provided the drink (both wizard and muggle) and Remus left the house before returning with prerolles spliffs and a baggie of white powder that he called ‘cocaine, but coke for short’.

Everyone partook in the evening’s substances. Sirius figured it was because they all wished nothing more than to forget what the last two weeks had brought. Remus put on _Unknown Pleasures_ and Sirius didn’t complain. It fitted the mood.

After James did one too many lines, he grabbed Lily by the hand and swung her around wildly to the Joy Division album. Lily laughed a bit as she fell into James’s arms and James helped her steady on her feet before cupping her face in his calloused hands. 

“Lily…”, he started and everyone turned to watch them.

Lily looked at James with large, doe-like eyes, entranced in him. “Hmm…”, she hummed.

“Let’s get married”, James said loftily. It was as if they were in their own world. Sirius felt like he was watching one of those muggle movies on a television. 

“Married?” Lily repeated. James nodded. “I… Let’s do it. Let’s get married”. 

Lily threw herself onto James and kissed him with enough fire to burn the house down. The entire room erupted in cheers and for a second it felt like there wasn’t a war raging around them and it was easy to ignore that just two weeks prior, Marlene McKinnion had died.

**September 1979**

Sirius was sitting on the couch, eating some reheated leftovers during his lunch break, when Remus bursted into their flat with disheveled hair and fuming eyes. He smelt a bit like cigarette smoke and he looked at Sirius with wide-eyes.

“Didn’t think you’d be here”, he said. “Just here for my bag”.

“Lunch break”, Sirius explained, his words dripping with worry. It wasn’t often he saw Remus looking angry, but he had seen him angry enough to identify the tell-a-tale signs of an angered Remus. Whenever Remus got angry, his hands shook, his eyes narrowed, and he scrunched his nose up. All of which he was doing now. “Is there… what’s wrong?”

“Got sacked”, Remus said, popping the front button of his collar off. He threw untied the strings of his work smock before throwing it onto the couch.

“Why? What happened?” Sirius inquired cautiously.

Remus just shook his head. His tawny hair, which almost reached the tips of his shoulders, shook violently along with him, making him look even more disheveled than when he first entered through the door. He ran a hand through his hair while his amber eyes looked around the room shiftily. 

“Does it matter?” Remus snapped.

Sirius balked. Did it matter? He watched the way Remus began to pace around the room and the way Remus patted his thighs nervously and decided it did. Whatever happened that day was making Remus upset, so it did matter.

“Remus, just talk to me”, Sirius pleaded.

Remus stopped. The irritation in his eyes cooled and his eyes deflated. Remus took a deep breath before making his way down to the couch. He sat down next to Sirius and placed his head in his hands, his arms resting on his legs, which were bouncing up and down.

“I’m sorry, Sirius. I shouldn’t have snapped at you. It’s just been a stressful day”, Remus said apologetically.

Sirius nodded, he knew all about stressful days. He placed a comforting hand on Remus’s leg and squeezed. “Hey, it’s okay”, he cooed, hoping Remus would find comfort in his words. Remus was the type to work himself up and not even realize it. Sometimes he just needed somebody to ground him and tell him it’d be alright. Calm Remus was smart Remus and smart Remus knew what he was doing. It’s what made seeing Remus in a frenzy so fighting, every ounce of cool-headedness Remus carried vanished the second he got worked up.

“It was the wolf”, Remus said, his voice hard and laced with malice. He didn’t look up at Sirius, just kept looking down at his lap. “It was the fucking wolf. He’s getting harder to control, Sirius. I don’t know what to do about him. But I am the wolf, so maybe it’s just me. I’m the wolf and the wolf is me”.

Sirius felt his gut hurdle. He hated it when Remus referred to the wolf. In Sirius’s mind, there was no wolf, there was just Remus. But Remus seemed to think otherwise. Remus always talked about the wolf like it was a separate entity that possessed him at times. But Sirius doesn’t think like that. There was just Remus and the wolf only came out once a month. 

“Remus. Don’t talk about yourself like that”, Sirius said firmly. “You’re not the wolf”.

Remus looked up at him. His eyes narrowed at Sirius and his lip hung out slightly. He peered at Sirius with burning eyes, almost like he was sizing Sirius up.

“I’m not throwing myself a pity party, Sirius. I’m a Werewolf, a fucking _Werewolf_. I thought you knew that. You all thought you were so clever when you first figured it out seven years ago, so I know that you know. I know I may look like a human, I may talk like a human, hell, I even _act_ like a human, but I’m not. And I don’t need you or anyone else to sugarcoat anything. I know what I am and I’ve known it since I was four years old. I’ve spent more years as a Werewolf than I did a human, so you can save your fucking pep talk for someone who wants to listen to it. I can hook you up with a few kids if you’re just dying for spew your self-righteous Werewolf speech bullshit to someone dumb enough to believe it”.

Sirius paused. _‘I can hook you up with a few kids’_. What exactly did that mean? What kids? Remus didn’t hang around any kids and certainly not any kids that would benefit from Sirius’s ‘Self-Righteous Werewolf Speech’. Or did he? But everybody knew that the Werewolves were in cahoots with the Dark Lord. Well… all except Remus and maybe a few others. Or- No. Sirius stopped himself from going there. Remus would never.

Remus seemed to know what Sirius was thinking. He always knew what Sirius was thinking, sometimes Sirius wondered if it was another symptom of his lycanthropy. Remus paled considerably and his eyes got wide.

“Remus what do you mean ‘hook me-”

“I yelled at a customer at the Diner”, Remus cut in. He gave Sirius a hard look that Sirius knew to mean ‘drop it’ and Sirius was still recovering from being massively told off so he did. He dropped it. But he didn’t forget about it and two years later this conversation would lead him to make the biggest mistake of his life.

“What?”

“I told a customer off. I lost it. He was getting snippy after I apparently gave him the wrong order, I didn’t by the way, and then he made a comment about me not being competent enough to take orders. He looked me up and down with this utter look of disgust. Like I was the scum of the Earth. To be honest, it kinda felt nice to be looked at with disgust for a reason other than being a Werewolf, but it still pissed me off… a lot.”

Sirius frowned. He wasn’t understanding what Remus was saying. “But why would he look at you like that? I thought muggles were… what reason-”

He was cut off by Remus’s cackling laughter. Sirius had never seen Remus laugh so hard. 

Remus threw himself against the couch, gripping his stomach and doubling over laughing. He laughed so hard his eyes closed and tears formed at the base of his lids. His laughter wasn’t genuine but it wasn’t forced. It wasn’t pleasant laughter, it was spiteful laughter. It was bitter.

“You’re so fucking dumb, Padfoot”, Remus laughed. 

Sirius frowned, but he didn’t take any offense. He learned a long time ago not to take anything Remus said while upset to heart. It didn’t do anybody any good.

“Care to explain why I’m so dumb?” Sirius asked after Remus collected himself.

Remus shook his head, amused and still smiling. He spread his arms out. “Look at me, Sirius”, he challenged. “Just fucking look at me. I look like a fucking wreck. Even muggles know that you don’t get all these scars by sitting around and doing nothing. They know that only troubled people have scars like mine.”

Sirius doesn’t ask what Remus meant by ‘troubled’. He heard Lily and Remus occasionally whisper about what was going on in the muggle world and he could gather enough to know it wasn’t pretty. There was a huge divide between the working and upper class and tensions were growing higher by the day. He also knew that the muggle world was filled with other horrors as well; drugs, rebellion, and fighting. If only the sacred twenty-eight realized how similar they were to muggles, maybe there would be less fighting.

“My trousers have holes in them, I haven’t gotten a proper hair cut in months, and I haven’t taken a fucking shower in God knows how long”. Remus stood up abruptly from the couch. 

“I’ve got to go”, Remus said. He grabbed the black duffel bag that he originally stopped in for and hurried out the door.

It was only later, when Sirius was laying in his large comfy bed, that he realized the night was a full moon. 

**October 1979**

Everyone came to James and Lily’s wedding. The entire Order was invited, which meant that some of their ex-Professors were also invited, either through the Order or word of mouth. James and Lily also practically invited the entire Gryffindor class of 79’, 78’, and 77’, along with distant relatives on James’s side and Lily’s immediate family. They had the wedding at some banquet hall that was popular amongst Wizard marriages and the entire hall was decorated to the brim with white bannisters and flowers in every corner. Even Sirius had to admit that the wedding was breathtaking, and Sirius had many difficulties complimenting anything that wasn’t his reflection.

He headed into the banquet hall early in the morning to help set up, it was his duty as the best man, after all. He helped charm the food tables to replenish its supplies when out and to keep the food fresh and warm and he manually stuck each bannister onto the wall with a ladder and everything. Remus stopped by in the afternoon to lend a hand after his shift at the diner and they both set all the tables up while James popped in every-now-and-then to make a lewd comment about how handsome they both looked while heavy lifting.

By the time the actual ceremony rolled around, Sirius was ready to fall asleep. He wished he had some of that cocaine that Remus had brought around the night after the funeral, it would be sure to slap himself awake. But instead, Sirius had to settle for apparating home for a quick shower before returning to the banquet. He headed into the grooms’ dressing room and was met with the sight of a stag wearing a _corsage_ around his neck. After making a few jabs at James, Sirius managed to help him into his dress robes. 

The ceremony was held outside and lasted about half an hour. Sirius had to stand next to Remus and Peter, who were all groomsmen and didn’t even tear up as the two exchanged vows. They all headed inside for the rest of the ceremony. 

Somebody (it was James) had messed up the seating chart on accident (it was on purpose) and sat Sirius and Remus at the same table with Professor Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall. Sirius watched in horror as the two strode up to their table. McGonagall also seemed less than pleased as she tutted and folded her arms across her chest.

“The lovely witch in the front informed me that Albus and I would be seated at this table?” She asked.

Sirius and Remus exchanged looks of horror. _“James”_ , they both said at the same time before darting their eyes to where James was standing smugly at front stage. 

“The seating charts aren’t definitive, you can move around if you like”, Remus offered weakly, his words sounding vaguely more Welsh.

McGonagall opened her mouth, presumably to inform them that they’d be leaving, but Dumbledore interrupts her with his deep, wispy voice.

“Don’t be foolish, boys. Minerva and I would love to keep you company”.

“I’d like to thank you for coming here tonight”, James started, the entire hall falling quiet as his voice echoed. “Especially those who have travelled long distances to be here. I’d also like to thank my parents, who are too ill to be here in person but wish nothing more than to see Lily become part of the family”. The hall grew sombre and Sirius felled a wave of darkness crash over him. He knew that the Potters had limited time before they’d succumb to their illness. He didn’t want to think of his surrogate parents alone in a dark corner of St. Mungo’s, struggling to breathe as their son got married to the love of his life. Remus seemed to sense what Sirius was thinking and promptly refilled his glass with more goblin wine. Sirius sipped it gratefully.

“They were nothing but perfect to me, raising me to be the man- or boy, cause I know half of you lot are old enough to be my grandparent’s parents- I am today. I’d also like to thank Mrs and Mr Evans, for graciously handing over their daughter’s hand in marriage. I know how frighting it must have been for them to see me at their front door, begging for their blessing. They probably thought their daughter had gotten involved with a muggle movie star with the way my looks are”, he said as he ran a hand through his messy hair.

“I’d like to thank my mates, all of them, but especially Peter Pettigrew who’s currently ogling Mary McDonald in addition to those two heathens who are chatting up McG and Dumbledore over there. I hope you two get lucky tonight”.

“I never knew how much you could simultaneously love and hate somebody at the same time until now”, Remus whispered into Sirius’s ear, causing the two to giggle a bit like teenage girls.

“Those three have been by my side no matter what. Even when I was being a prat, they would just slap me on the back of my head and tell me to shape up- or at least Remus would- Sirius would just tell me to continue on what I was doing and Peter would agree with Sirius. But anyway, I’d like to thank those three morons for being my friends since we were all eleven.”

“And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for”, James continued with a devious smirk. Sirius spotted Lily facepalm from the table they were sitting at. “I’d like to thank my beautiful, wonderful, smart, talented, funny, kind, warm, loving, sexy, bossy, wife for actually marrying me! I never thought this day would come! Lily Evans Potter, you have made my dreams come true. It is an honour for me to call myself your husband. Thank you so much for giving me a chance and for making me shape up. I wouldn’t be half the man I am today without you. I’m forever indebted to you for your love, support, and encouragement. You are everything”.

Sirius heard a few girls in the audience swoon, and even McGonagall smiled with admiration for her ex-pupal. James could be a poet when he wanted to.

“I’m so excited to start a new life with you, Lily”, he said while staring at Lily with those stupid-love-struck eyes of his. “We’re in this together now”.

“Now that I’ve poured my heart out up here, I’d like to pass the spotlight to my best man, Sirius Black. Sirius, I hope you can forgive me for pulling you away from the lovely Minvera McGonagall, but I think you’ve worked enough of your charms for one night. Come up here and talk about how wonderful I am”. 

“And Lily too”, James added after Lily glared at him. “Talk about how wonderful Lily is, too”.

Sirius smiled as he stood up. He walked up onto the stage and shoved James out away from the podium where he was still standing, smiling and winking into the audience. Sirius looked out into the audience and suddenly Remus’s previous comment about crying made sense. All of these people were here to celebrate James and Lily’s marriage. Lily was no longer ‘Evans’ and James wasn’t a lovesick sixteen-year-old boy, longingly daydreaming about his crush anymore. This was real.

“Good evening everyone. I’m Sirius Black, also known as the bloke who set up all these tables you’re sitting on. Er…”, he trailed off, feeling his eyes get hot. “Er… I’d like to thank the bridesmaids for being by Lily’s side and probably talking her down after she realized, ‘Hey, I’m really getting married to this wanker’. I’d like to thank the Evans for travelling to make the wedding and adapting to our… customs. And I’d like to thank Lily for actually accepting the ring. You’re a madwoman, Eva- I mean Lily”. 

“Now onto this tosspot”, he said while jerking a thumb into James’s direction. “I guess you could say, James is very deer to me.” He heard James, Lily, Remus, and Peter groan loudly.

“I met James on the Hogwarts Express when we were both eleven. Many of you are probably aware of my family and where they stand in this war, the way they raised me. From the very first day of meeting him, James showed me that it was okay to be a ‘filthy blood traitor’ and to stand up for what you believe in. He also showed me how to have a good time. So really, when you start yelling at me, you ought to be yelling at James because believe it or not, he’s where I learned it from”. Sirius closed his eyes for a second, remembering how scared he’d be sorted into Gryffindor. But James Potter with his stupid glasses and stupider hair told him it was okay. Sometimes Sirius wondered if he’d be just like Regulus if it weren’t for James Fleamont Potter.

“James is single-handedly one of the bravest and selfless people I know. On multiple occasions, he has put his own pride, health, and even life on the line to save others, even when they didn’t deserve saving. He is truly one of a kind. The world needs more people like James in the world”. 

He sniffled a bit.

“James, you aren’t like my brother. You are my brother. I’m so happy that you’ve found somebody that makes you happy. It’s the least you deserve.” 

His eyes were no longer the only thing hot, his entire face heated up like an oven. Sirius felt his throat get tight like it did the night he ran away from home and he swallowed deeply to get rid of the uncomfortable feeling.

“Thank you to everyone who came to celebrate James and Lily’s marriage and thank you to those who wanted to make it but couldn’t”, he started, trying to get all the formalities out of the way.

“I remember back in seventh-year, the first thing I thought when James told me that Lily actually agreed to go to Hogsmeade with her was; he is in so much trouble. I only thought that because at the time, James was incapable of being within a ten-foot radius of Lily without making a fool of himself. But I see how wrong I was. James and Lily are a match made in heaven.”

He took a deep sigh and glanced at James, shooting him a sad smile. “I guess what I’m trying to say is… _mischief managed_ ”.

And with that, he retreated back into his seat. 

Lily’s speech came and went in a blur. Sirius was too busy trying not to cry to fully comprehend what she was saying. He helped himself to more of the nasty wine and Remus slipped his hand into his under the table. James went back onto the stage after Lily’s speech and Sirius wondered why the speeches were so short. He’d been to a few weddings before, and all of them were bloody long. But then Sirius remembered that there was no Maid of Honour because Marlene McKinnon died two months ago.

James, being the arrogant tosser he was, smirked into the microphone and insisted that if anyone else wanted to make an impromptu speech, they could. Peter, being the total suck-up he was, took the mic and made a speech that Sirius would admit was half decent.

“James, you’ve been my friend when others haven’t. You were nice to me even when people ask you why you even bothered to be around me. You’re the best mate anyone could ask for. And Lily, you scared me at first and I had no clue why Prongs liked you, but after you started dating him, I realized you weren’t mean, you just really hated James. But you like him now, so it’s alright”, he announced cheerfully and the room erupted with soft chuckles.

“I’m really glad to have both of you in my life and I’m glad you two have found each other, even if there were some rocky years before, you’ll have many wonderful years ahead. Thank you”.

And then Remus stood up and walked - no wobbled - to the stage. Sirius hadn’t realised how inebriated Remus was until he slouched against the podium and struggled to adjust the microphone to fit his tall stature.

“Er… hi”, he started, his accent noticeably thicker. Merlin, he was drunk. What’s worse was that they were drinking wine. Remus on hard liquor was usually well put together. He could get mouthy and had no filter, but he was still level-headed. Wine-drunk Remus was sloppy and poetic. They were in for a show.

“James Potter is… is bloody amazing. He’ll make a great husband. But everyone talked about James… Let’s talk about Lily now.” He took a deep breath and grabbed on to the podium to hold himself up.

“Lily, you’re also bloody amazing. You’re a great friend. Lily is always there for people at all times. She’s the kind of person you wake up at three am and she won’t be mad at you. She’ll listen to you ramble on for hours without interrupting, just hugging you and stroking your hair. She’s smart, sharp, and she’s really funny when she wants to be! Everyone at school called her a swot, but she’s not! She doesn’t have a stick up her-”

He cut himself off, possibly realising there were children at the wedding.

“I can’t believe they’re getting married. It’s insane. It’s insane!” He repeated loudly, making some of the guests flinch. He grabbed the microphone and steadied himself on it before getting quiet. “You know… I just”, he shook his head and Sirius realised just how badly he needed a haircut. “They’re crazy. Absolutely crazy. Lily and James are perfect for eachother, it’s cause they’re both crazy. And I love them”, he started sniffling, which turned into tears dripping down his cheeks.

“I’m so proud of them”, Remus said before continuing onto some anecdote about when they were all in seventh-year and he caught James and Lily holding hands by the Great Lake, all while he cried.

When his words started sounding more Welsh than they did English, Sirius stood up and ran towards the stage. He dragged Remus back to their table and sat him down in his seat like he was a child. McGonagall gave them a sharp glare, as if she was still their teacher. She looked two seconds away from taking house points for ‘drunken shenanigans.’

“He’s always like this at parties”, Sirius offered while trying to get Remus to eat something. He would hate his life tomorrow. Sirius smiled thinking about it. But that would be a problem to think about tomorrow.

Lily and James were married.

**November 1979**

Sirius Black was twenty. ‘Teen’ no longer droned behind a single number. Sirius was twenty now. He was an adult, a real adult now. He didn’t know what to think of it, so he didn't.

On a cold morning a week and a few days after his birthday when Remus was out on Order business, Sirius decided to pick up the Daily Prophet just to see what was going on. Moody would be sure to talk about current events at the meeting the next day, so Sirius wanted to be informed. Making a fool of yourself in conversation got boring after a while.

When Sirius opened the Daily Prophet, he was horrified by the heading;

**Heir of the Black Family Pronounced Missing**

Regulus Articulus Black was pronounced missing on the 13th of November 1979. The Daily Prophet said he was missing, but Sirius knew deep down that he was dead. You just don’t disappear when you’re a Death Eater. 

Sirius darted towards the fireplace and grabbed a handful of floo powder. He didn’t bother to change out of his threadbare tee-shirt or boxers, he just slammed the powder to the floor and before he knew it he was standing in James and Lily Potter’s fireplace.

James was sitting on the couch, listening to the wizard radio when he looked up at Sirius with wide-eyes. He immediately leaped off the couch and tumbled towards Sirius, looking him up and down. He was probably checking for wounds. It wasn’t unusual for an Order member to stumble into another’s fireplace at odd hours, bloody and bruised. Gone were the days of stake-outs and gathering information. Everything was spun on its heel after the McKinnons passed. It was war.

“Padfoot, what’s wrong?” James asked worriedly.

“He’s a fucking coward, that’s what’s fucking wrong”, Sirius cursed bitterly. “I bet he got too far in and once he realized what he had truly done, panicked and they killed him. He’s a fucking coward. I would have rather killed him myself than for him to die at the hands of the people he once dreamed of joining.”

He said it mostly so that he wouldn’t feel guilty. Sometimes Sirius wondered what might have happened if two left Grimuald in 1976. 

“Sirius, what the hell are you talking about?” James asked. He stepped aside to let Sirius walk further into the room. 

Sirius just shoved the Prophet in James’s hands. James furrowed his eyebrows behind his thick-rimmed glasses before his eyes went big and wide. His jaw dropped and formed an ‘o’ shape.

“Merlin”, he gasped.

Sirius nodded. He took a seat down on James’s couch and rested his head in his hands. “Fucking coward. Fucking bastard. God, I-” He stopped, feeling his voice getting high and tight like it did when he was making James’s best man speech. His eyes brunt and he tried to rub the heat off.

“I can’t believe Regulus is gone”, he croaked, slow like molasses. He felt like he was swimming in molasses, everything pungent and sticky. He let a single teardrop streak down his cheek. “He’s really gone”.

It felt unreal.

**December 1979**

“Have you heard from Caradoc?” Edgar Bones asked. He was standing next to Benjy, holding a glass of what looked to be Firewhisky. Benjy was holding a similar glass, although his was more full than Edgar’s. “He’s late and he’s never late”.

“No”, Sirius said honestly. “Haven’t seen him since last week, I’m sure he’ll show up though. Bloke never misses a party”, Sirius said. It seemed to calm Edgar, who went back to talking to Benjy about how wonderful his wife was and how he’d have to leave early tonight to get back to her and his newborn. 

Sirius twisted in between people. He needed to find Remus. He needed to talk to him. It had been two weeks since he last saw Remus and Sirius knew he was here at the Potter’s, probably stopping into make appearances before fucking off again. Sirius had seen him talking to Lily not ten minutes ago, but the boy had suddenly disappeared. 

He spotted Remus’s head of shaggy hair slip out the front door. Sirius pushed past the twins, who were putting on a two-man act of the Slytherins vs. Gryffindor food fight of 75’ and beelined towards the door. Remus wasn’t going to slip away that easily.

The night sky was sparkling, stars embezzling the thick darkness. It reminded Sirius of how he’d been outside just one year ago slumped against the wall of the Potter’s brick house, smoking and listening to Remus talk about abortion charms with Edgar Bones. Edgar hadn’t wanted to keep the baby, he hadn’t wanted to bring a poor life into a world of darkness. They had thought it was dark then, little did they know things were only greying.

Everything felt much more whole back then. The worst missions Sirius had been on ended up with a sprained ankle. Now every mission seemed to end in a duel and a narrow escape. In the year of 1979, Sirius had seen people killed, killed someone himself, done cocaine, and was the best man at a wedding. It was a hell of a year.

But what had been the biggest shock of year wasn’t the killings or muggle drugs or the wedding; it was the fact that Sirius was with Remus for nearly two and a half years, known him for nearly nine, but somehow felt more distant with him than the first day of first year when they’d been strangers. Remus came and went like the wind and Sirius was too caught up in his own life to even notice. Remus went on week long missions to Merlin knows where and Sirius accompanied Mad-Eye nearly every day on Order business. Their separation wasn’t intentional, at least not to Sirius’s knowledge, but it still hurt the same. Sirius missed Remus.

Sirius saw Remus walk straight through James and Lily’s grassy front yard, stepping over their frozen flower bed and crushing the twigs below his clunky boots. He stumbled down onto the dirt road that connected the Potter’s house to the street with muggle homes.

“Remus!” Sirius shouted. He heard Remus’s footsteps pause.

Sirius ran up to Remus, who stood in the middle of the road unmoving. He looked at Sirius with blank, unimpressed eyes. Or maybe he was just too surprised to move, like a deer caught in headlights. Sirius continues to pumble towards him, nearly tripping over a large root in the ground.

“Remus, you’re not getting away this time!” Sirius shouted as he hopped into the road. 

“Sirus- I-”

“Where have you been?” Sirius rounded. Remus looked up at him with eyes wide as plates. His hair was long and unwashed, his clothes equally grimy. He looked terrible.

“Order business”, he simply responded.

“It’s always Order business”, Sirius huffed, feeling defeated. This war wasn’t just dividing Purebloods and muggles, it was driving apart everyone. 

“I’m sorry I can’t tell you. Dumbledore told me not to say…. You could ask him, though”.

“How do I know? How can I trust you? You leave for weeks at a time? You weren’t where when Regulus died or-”

“Regulus died?”

“Exactly”, Sirius remarked bitterly, feeling residual anger release. He hadn’t realised how much he missed Remus, missed his hoarse voice whispering soft nothings and his long fingers brushing against Sirius’s cheek. He’d seen Remus around, but not long enough to actually be with Remus. It was like they lived in the same flat, but they didn’t. “You would know if you weren’t always in and out. I haven’t seen you longer than half an hour for nearly a month, Remus”.

Remus winced and recoiled, as if his lack of appearance was something he thought he could get away with but had misjudged his finesse. He shoved his hands in the pocket of his patchy jacket and sighed.

“Sirius, I’m sorry. I really wish I could be around more, but I can’t. Dumbledore says he’ll let me off the hook for a while, though. So I’ll be around more these upcoming months. I’m really sorry I’ve been so absent” He apologized, and Sirius had wanted to believe he was telling the truth. But he couldn’t.

“How do I know you’re telling the truth?” Sirius asked. He crossed his arms around his chest, feeling proud and guilty as Remus cowered away. 

“Kiss me”, Remus said. He gave Sirius a determined look, stepping back towards him. 

“What?”

“I said kiss me. My lips don’t lie.”

“What if someone sees?” Sirius asked, even though he really wanted to kiss him. He wanted to wrap his arms around Remus’s waist and pull him close while sliding a hand in Remus’s tawny hair. He wanted their lips to clash, pulling and twisting in desperate motions. Most of all, he wanted to be reminded of how he fell for Remus Lupin in the first place.

The street lamp casted a spotlight on the two boys. Sirius felt awfully stupid standing out in the open on the dirt muggle road. If he squinted, he could see the formations of more muggle homes lined against the dark horizon. Anyone could see them. 

“No one’s around”, Remus said, gesturing his hand around the empty road.

Sirius flung his arms over Remus’s shoulders and stood on his toes to close the space in between them. Suddenly, he felt seventeen again, kissing Remus on the edge of the Astronomy Tower. Remus had tasted like the cigarette they shared and like salt from the tears that had dripped down onto the bottom of his lip. It had been a rough night for the both of them being Sirius’s first disowned Christmas and Remus’s first Christmas after his mother’s passing. They didn’t tell anyone about the kiss until two months later when they tried it again.

Remus cupped Sirius’s cheek and the cold December air blew in their faces, causing Remus to tink pink at his cheeks. Sirius looked into his amber eyes, admiring the small specks of gold in them, wondering if behind those innocent eyes laid a layer of lies. But right now he wouldn’t worry about that. Right now, Sirius would push a strand of Remus’s dirty hair behind his ear and lean up for another kiss. Right now, Sirius would allow himself to pretend it was alright. Right now, Sirius would pretend to believe Remus.

Sirius forced himself to push any mistrusting thoughts out of his head, hoping that they’d fall out of his ears. This was Remus Lupin, _his_ Remus. He wouldn’t lie about his whereabouts? Would he? In that moment, Sirius decided he didn’t care. 

If he closed his eyes, he could imagine it was 1978 again and he was kissing Remus in a dark corner of the Gryffindor Common Room. He could hear James fumbling to speak to Lily, who had recently agreed to go out with him to Hogesmade, and he could feel the bass of Peter’s scratchy David Bowie record playing in the corner. He could hear Dorcas Meadows asking people where him and Remus went off to and he could hear Marlene McKinnion, who was now long gone, making a suggestive comment about them.

Sirius tousled his hand into Remus’s hair and Remus pulled Sirius close with lanky arms. Sirius felt himself unconsciously stand on his toes, trying to keep up with the passionate kisses. He kept his eyes closed the entire time, letting his lips do all the seeing. It was electrifying. 

If Sirius never opened his eyes, maybe he’d forever stay in 1978.

**Author's Note:**

> notes
> 
> ~ Caradoc being missing at Christmas is because he went missing six months after the photograph was taken (according to Mad-Eye)  
> ~ Remus's last line 'no one's around' is a nod to the last line of '1979' : "the street heats the urgency of now. and you see, no one's around"  
> ~Remus's disappearances are because he is stalking the Werewolf packs.


End file.
